Today fellow citizens of the world, I worked out!!!!
I know I know, a round of applause is necessary.
This comes after TWO months of hop-skipping my way away from that dreaded track.
Away from those people who are practically smiling as they exercise their glutes, abs and thighs to the next level of toned up fitness.
I have to say I always feel a sense of revulsion going to the gym. I really do not see the need to add more reps or run another 15 laps.
Seriously I rarely feel perky enough to willingly tell myself, sure Akoyi; a little more of the stair-master would be LOVELY!
Another fifty floors? Why not.
So today after my practically two month hiatus (I am not counting those one off days of fitness), I went back!
Stair master - no problem
Some physio - bring it on!
It was this particular frame of mind that led me to a drop in spin class; and a revelation I have not thought of.
Spin has been recommended to me before.
My friends with killer legs, girls who say it's the only thing they really do and guys who just say DO IT!
So I found myself a bike and hopped on.
The first few minutes were amazing torture; in-between some Muse (They will not controllllll uussss...) and the helpful guy on the next bike who pointed out how to adjust my bike seat for maximal fun, I thought 'I am totally going to make it!!!!
Fifteen minutes later I was done.
This was however not the cause of general out of shape-ness BUT the cause of having a f*cked up body.
My body has gained quite a few injuries during my short time here, I'm not really going to go into specifics but let's just say my physiotherapist's office is the closest I get to heaven on earth.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have horrific injuries. They are not of the television (and sometimes real life) breed where I will cry my eyes out after a few exercises; though I've come close.
Instead they are the kind that leave me unable to sprint, ever (among other things)
But my woes are not the moral of this story.
Fifteen minutes into that spin class, I felt a tightness in my shoulders. Not the 'Oh my these muscles haven't been used in a while' variety but the 'there goes injury x acting up'. Standing up to leave that class has to be one of the most pride slashing things I've ever done.
This is because I like to consider myself a person who tries anything once. I've survived the trial of a number of more rigorous classes in a state of out of shape-ness that makes my present self look fit.
If I am being honest, it is the realization that my injuries limit me that really brings me down.
I have to worry about every fall, or the moment when I land too hard to a hard seat.
The thought of doing yoga, something that was once joy to me leaves me in a state of mind that can only be summarized in one word.
My body WILL NOT be bent as much as it used to be.
It cannot take all the running that it used to without a good hour of preemptive stretching exercises.
So I guess when I work out, I start to manifest self hate. When I see perky runner x, I want to stop and just stand there because I will not be able to push myself like that for a while to come.
And maybe more than that it's the little things.
Playing games with little kids is now a hazard I won't take up willingly, their manner of sitting on your body like its a toy or coming at you with no caution runs a thousand and one horrible scenarios through my head.
I won't be able to chase people at a moments notice, tag is now obsolete.
These small things make me feel frustration, swiftly followed by disappointment.
Which makes doubt creep into my mind, especially when I am trying other things in my life.
My reasoning is flawed, but I think (haha do you see that? no?) if I can't control my body; what can I control.
Because it's a new year, my resolution is to try and go to the gym/work out almost everyday.
I want to overcome myself; but really I want to forgive myself for not being able to be what I have not been able to be for so long, fully able.
I am also forced to confront my own pride, especially today as all those strangers left the spin class fourty five minutes after my own departure.
I do not want to be seen as a wimp, but I am not going to walk up to them and be all like I would have stayed longer if I could.
Thus I have to accept any silent judgments that are passed in their minds.
That is a hard thing to do.
This honest thing really is also quite challenging, I almost didn't start this post.
But look, now I've written you a small novel(well not really)